It was then that a voice, not unfamiliar to our two brave portalers, pierced the early morning ventrilo air with great encouragement.
"Oh yeah baby!, put it in my pooper!" the voice exclaimed repeatedly.
"Dat voice..." I wondered. "So sensual... so feminine..."
As she had so many times before, a young c0urtpants flirted and flaunted her rare online femininity with any of the 3xtremely humiliated bros that were within an earshot. Her presence had become regular, but still mostly a mystery to myself, as I had up to this point been void of opportunities of experiencing the flirtatious wonder of what can now only be considered as one of the most skillful trolls in the history of the internet.
It's safe to say now that I was truly unaware of what I had gotten myself into.
Jealous that a young Matt Rogers could reach me with the ease of a text message, phone numbers were exchanged. And so it began, as it always had...
While I was certainly knowledgeable of the fact that a girl named c0urtney existed on the internet, and had often befriended the DoD nerds, I was in no uncertain terms UNAWARE at the time the level of troll embedded in the very fabric of her DNA.
But with this seemingly innocuous act of exchanged text messages, the unraveling of 8 years worth of exchanged nudes, FedEx'd panties, diamond necklaces, and broken hearts, would ultimately unravel in a web of lies not seen since the Great Guilt Rape of 2008.
"You gotta get dem nudes!" the 3xtremely humiliated brotherhood professed with great anticipation.
Within a few minutes of quiet contemplation and meditation, seeking the guidance from Cthulhu, the Great Old One, I agreed that "dem nudes must be got", for the greater good.
And so began my dance with the goddess of HoN.
As the days passed, one after the other, the 3xtremely excited brethren huddle together with great anticipation as each exchange of text message lead us closer to our ultimate goal of winning the internet.
But what were these strange feelings... Did she really want to cuddle with me!?
I couldn't be sure... So I played it cool.
Over time, even though we both resisted, strong feels inevitably developed.
Knowing how tender my true heart to be, I remained skeptical.
At last, the first picture was exchanged.
Unconvinced, I requested more evidence. I was not disappointed, as more pictures followed.
It was then that I thought all was for not, and our femme fatale became quite upset.
Assuring her that the feels flowed through me, I insisted that I was only skeptical because I'd seen the pictures and heard the stories of online love affairs past. She attempted to explain in interpretive dance utterly ridiculous story telling, and did not disappoint.
Even still, something didn't seem right about this, and the 3xtreme brotherhood agreed.
"We must investigate this further, for the internet!" expressed an intrigued Guilherme, and investigate we did.
We collected as much evidence as we could.
Even Ricky tried to help.
"Make her hold a spoon!", the 3xtreme brethren insisted!. But to no avail, she resisted.
The investigation continued in earnest...
Annoyed with my attempts to attain more photographic evidence, princess c0urtpants finally agrees to update us as to her current appearance.
And finally, the smoking gun emerges...
At first, nothing seemed out of place. It wasn't until a few days later that I noticed that our friend appears to be holding an iphone, while she continues to text the brethren via her android.
Ricky, fortunately taking a break from moonshinin and skinnin coons, jumped into action, and took his talents to google image search.
Before long, the 8 year trail of lies began to unravel, post haste.
Wait.. could this be just a fake facebook account??
Instagram too?
But wait, didn't Courtney and Brittany meet??
No, no they didn't...
Within hours, facebook messages were exchanged...
And bottoms were gotten to...
And at last, the true c0urtpants was revealed...
...
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Credits:
Matt Rogers - Portal bro, trollolololol assisting.
Ricky Schwisow - Wild Card, google image searching.
Guilherme Emanuel Garcia Barbosa - Moral support, epic name.
Dan Schey - Elderly analysis.
Kevin Gardner - Complaining about having a real job.
Joel Edmunds - Lurking.
Laura Schwalb - Complaining about not being a catfish.
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Disclaimer: Obviously, whoever "Courtney" really is, she has invested much into this scheme over the last 8 years, and evidently has some personal issues worth taking the time to get help for and work through. I certainly hope she does that, and uses this experience to learn from her mistakes and hopefully be able to accept herself for who she is, even on the interwebs. My objective in posting this thread was purely for the entertainment of the community, but I have no desire to be cruel to "Courtney", even if she truly does deserve it. It is for this reason that names and facebook addresses have been blurred out, in addition to protecting the identity of the woman that "Courtney" was impersonating, and why I won't be releasing that information publicly. By all means enjoy yourselves, but any attempts on this forum to bully, harass, or humiliate any of the involved parties in excess publicly will be dealt with swiftly.
